Chapter 1

Tried writing a short story, it kinda turned out like this. Tell me what you think! Should I continue this?

Suppressed noise. Sounds wired into headphones and eardrums, couples hold hands, some tensely. White noise humming from those minds temporarily blank as the wall they stare at.

Plastic handles sway like ominous pendulums. There’s a couple just above my head, millimeters from my face, which floats, reflected in the black glass within a metal door. I never noticed this blouse was the same color as the walls of a train compartment, white, dubiously sterile-looking. Opposite me, the girl leans her head on his arm. Their faces get closer, almost touch. I lapse into mock sleep, it gets harder to breathe-

Relief comes with the slowing slide of the train floor. The crowd comes murmuring back to life, awakens at the dead-sounding, doorbell-ring. That familiar, detached voice, ignored. “Please do not lean against the train doors.”  Body heat. Someone’s sweat stained shirt. Someone shoves me from behind, and I almost fall in my high heels. Sweat drops. The tide swells and bursts as the train doors open, and I rush like a bat out of hell.

Passengers from reverse direction approaches. I blink and realise, It’s August.

Jostling,  a quickening of breath. Thoughts like muddy footsteps-

Fingertips brush against a soft, flowery sleeve. “Hey!”

I was the one who stopped her. Once again, I reached out into the rippling sea of people and snatched a slippery, golden fish.  Here she is, clothes trapped in my fingers again. I’m hoping she can’t feel how hot they are, blood burning under my skin like her vivid blush.

 

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Author: naomi

Student, likes learning about foreign cultures, shall not divulge anymore so my identity is not exposed!

2 thoughts on “Chapter 1”

  1. Hello,

    I quite like the way you build the world around the character; with the way each element comes alive in the train carriage. What i would have done better would be to make these elements contribute more actively to the tension you are trying to convey. It sort of presents itself too heavily and monstrously at the end when you grab the girl.

    However, these are just stylistic measures and who knows, may very well be the whole intention of your story. Since i dont know how the rest of the story goes i have no choice but to sit and eagerly await the rest before i can say anything more or appreciate it further!

    Like

    1. Thanks for the feedback! I first wrote this quite a while ago but I can see the effect you’re describing – I might change it. Oh, and I really like your writing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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