Joy

I stand before the inanimates,

Ankles soaked, standing by that painting of a lake…

 

Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? I want to live but, I don’t feel happy.

I’ve always been a bit of a unhappy person, but even more so recently. I enjoy talking to my friends, and I’m numbed by endorphins during exercise, the grunt of and sweet friction of muscles, and also by study; I can satisfied by a sandwich; but sometimes it just feel like life’s a little too empty?

I’m not in one of these moods right now, hence I’m able to write this. I’m quite unsure of a number of things right now…

I’ve been thinking about talking to my school counsellor, but have been constantly flip-flopping on this decision. I’m not sure if my problem is serious enough, since I have gotten these moods in the past too. However, this time, there has also been another event regarding a friend which happened a month ago, which I haven’t gotten over that I’ve been quite upset about. Only a few of my friends know about. I want to get advice on how to get past the incident, but…

I’m unsure about the level of confidentiality my school’s counsellors would keep if I told them everything. They’ve previously said that they would contact the student’s parents if the situation required. What the hell is this benchmark exactly?

I could use aliases for the people involved/ keep the situation as vague as possible of course, but I’m afraid something may slip out if I’m too emotional. The circumstances are also such that it would be quite obvious who the friend is if they ran  a background check on the students in my school or simply spoke to my teacher. Both me and my friend would be in quite a bad situation if her identity was found out/ our parents learnt of our situation.

Ever had that feeling that your friends are just day-to-day acquaintances, and not people you can connect to on a deeper level? Should I try talking to my friends about my feelings right now? I feel like I can’t though they’ve been really caring and supportive when I’ve gone through troubles/ had my lows in the past. But this time there’s no clear reason to my discontent/ I’ve been acting as though the event has not affected me at all?

My friends  probably don’t even know I’m feeling quite low right now, except one to whom I have mentioned my intention to speak to a counsellor. I can’t open up to my family entirely, though I’ve told my sister quite a bit. Maybe also because I live in an Asian society where we aren’t encouraged to speak much about our feelings? But mainly because of a certain aspect to my troubles I can’t tell them about.

Not that I really understand myself also, which is why my words come out in a mess when I try to explain it. I should probably

  1. Stop listening to sad songs
  2. Email one of the counsellors

But certainly, ranting here has given me greater peace of mind…

I’ll get through this, just that my feelings are a bit more irrational and directionless this time.

Is my truth untrue, or is human communication an illusion?

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Author: naomi

Student, likes learning about foreign cultures, shall not divulge anymore so my identity is not exposed!

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